Be Anxious For Nothing: My Journey to Zithulele (Part 2)

So if you read Part 1 of this blog, the last thing I mentioned was my anxiousness about new places. Here’s the thing, I don’t even think new places are necessarily the problem. I actually think the core problem is that new places mean I won’t know what to expect. I’m truly a control freak when it comes to knowing details about every move I make before I make it. If I know what to expect, then there’s less of a chance of getting hurt or disappointed. Again, I know this sounds so bizarre coming from a person that signed up for a missionary trip that goes to a new country each month. The truth is that the first 6 months of being on the field I was always in my head trying to settle my nerves and thoughts with the Lord before arriving to a new country. This is a testament that your calling doesn’t always align with your personality. Haha 

 Zithulele was no different for me this time around. I tried looking this place up on Google, only to find that there’s not a lot of information about it other than some pictures, and some articles about the hospital that’s located there. The only thing that kind of peaked my interest was seeing that the ocean was in walking distance. At this point my mind is racing, and if you don’t know me I laugh when I get nervous because that’s how I cope. I’m just sitting there nervously laughing, and I’m strangely thinking about a dumb saying my brother would quote when we watched horror movies together. The saying goes, “Expect the unexpected!” I told you it was dumb. It makes no sense. Shout out to Zeke though. 

So here I am, absolutely overthinking, and painting pictures in my head about what it could potentially be like to go there. The unfortunate news is that my mind wasn’t only overthinking Zithulele. Prior to us getting the news about going somewhere foreign to us, I was already consumed with thoughts about the future. Not just the future. My future. I had been stressing over knowing that after these 3 months I had to make important life decisions. I was having this internal argument with the Lord about missions. You see, I love missions. I love sharing Jesus to people who don’t know Him. I love the community that comes with it. I love learning new cultures and languages. I love seeing people’s lives changed. 

What don’t I love? The following parts listed below (all of these aren’t always necessarily attached to working on the foreign field, but you’ll come across at least one): Not so great living conditions, living with strangers, no electricity, no wifi, bugs, illnesses, lack of fresh water, lack of variety in food options, bugs, cold showers, no toilets, bugs. You get the point. I’ve come across at least one of these less than comfortable moments in every country I’ve been to, and it’s not always fun. 

For the whole month I knew I was being called into discomfort by devoting more time in missions after these 3 months, but I was inwardly having arguments with the Lord about it. I thought I’d be done after my time here in South Africa, and just settle down. I had this chill idea of being back in America working with coffee again, getting my own place, getting a new car, and comfortably serving Him in this idea I set up for myself. Not only was I not into being bothered by discomfort, but I also wasn’t necessarily getting a clear picture of what or where He wanted me to be a part of. I would say the one thing that stood out to me the most was applying to lead a Gap Year squad or a World Race squad. I’ll come back to that later. 

In the space of time (a week prior) that they told us about the final decision to go to Zithulele, my brain was in overload. I was anxious about my future and about going to some random rural place I had no information about. That week flashed before my eyes, and before I knew it I was on my way to Transkei. All I could do on the ride there was pray that the Lord would tear down my expectations of this place, and just lean into what He had to reveal for me there. 

After a 6 hour drive, I hopped off that bus to the most beautiful place my eyes had set their eyes on. I couldn’t help but laugh because I just imagined this picture of the Lord rolling his eyes at me (in a lovingly kind of way, of course) and saying, “Oh, now you’re excited?“

Zithulele is surrounded by luscious green hills topped with traditional African rondovals (huts) built by the Xhosa people, and wrapped around the blue Indian Ocean. It is also most definitely rural. Electricity is hard to come by and a long drop is the common bathroom situation. Drinkable water is either rain water, boiled water, or water that goes through a filter. The closest wide variety grocery store is 40 minutes away, and there are donkeys, cows, sheep, goats, pigs, and chickens roaming everywhere you look. Our living location was about 30 minutes away from our ministry location by car and about 50 minutes by walking. We were nestled up on a beautiful hill with an ocean view in a traditional Xhosa homestay called Mbolompo Point. Each team stayed in separate rondovals, and had their share of showering in cold water, using compost bathrooms or long drops, stepping on insurmountable piles of sheep and cow poop, doing laundry by hand, and utilizing head lamps when the sun went down. Although the beauty of nature surrounding us was peaceful, I wouldn’t necessarily say it was the most comfortable stay. My fellow female teammates and I basically lost it on day 2 when we arrived late to our rondoval, and our head lamps revealed the cockroaches crawling on the walls and inside our belongings. Thankfully, our sweet male teammates (shout out to Dave and Isaac!) helped us set up our tents inside the hut so that we could rest easy knowing these disgusting creatures weren’t crawling over us while we slept. I, however, was still on edge in between the times I entered the hut and walked to my tent. The edge was initiated when one of those fat suckers on the wall decided to lift his wings and fly across the hut. The image of that will haunt me til death.   Luckily, my teammates and I have a sense of humor, and were able to share in an even ratio  of laughs to screams about it. 

I think I’ve given a good enough portion of our living condition for you to measure how rural it was, so I’d love to share how I decided to lay down my anxious thoughts my first Sunday there. Get this, the community of missionaries that serve there were coincidentally going through a Bible study course called “Healthy Emotional Spirituality”. How convenient. The facilitator asked us to write down anything we were happy, sad, angry, or anxious about. The second thing they requested was to ask Jesus what He had to say about those things, and write it down in our own words. The first part came easy to me because I had been storing up my thoughts for the last month. The second part was where I had to actually force myself to sit down and pray about what He was telling me. I’m gonna be vulnerable here, and share the portion of what Jesus had to say about my anxious thoughts. My hope in sharing is that you can see how cool God is when this blog is finally over.

“You’re anxious about your future, and I understand you; but I want you to give that over to me. I want you to know that your future is all planned out and it’s perfect. At times it may not be easy and you might have to struggle a little, but the future is beautiful. You don’t have to worry about what’s coming next. Just go step by step, and day by day. Trust me. I’ll tell you exactly what you’re supposed to do when the time comes. For now, embrace this wonderful adventure you’re on. Open yourself to the unknown, and rest in the beautiful place I’ve placed you in. Enjoy my presence here.”

As soon as I was done writing, I prayed to the Lord; and in that moment I released every anxious thought at His feet. There was a sudden peace that took over, and gave me the courage to let go. Finally, it felt like I could breath. Now here comes a moment that I still can’t stop replaying in my head since it happened. Our team gets invited to our ministry coordinator’s house for lunch; and to speed this book of a blog along, I’ll skip to the part where he’s suddenly pulling out a blue print of a beautiful building. He starts explaining that this building is meant to provide the community of missionaries an aesthetically pleasing space to relax and get some good coffee. He continues on the vision, and not only would the building be utilized as a coffee shop; but locals who have developed their own businesses would be able to use the extra spaces within the building. The coffee shop would also be huge in providing the locals employment as barista’s, and most importantly a chance to minister and disciple them. This is a huge deal to me because for the last year and a half I have dreamed with the Lord about a coffee shop ministry on the mission field to spread the Gospel; and use the opportunity of employment to disciple new believers who have overcome unfortunate circumstances. The whole time I’m listening to him share the vision for this building my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, and I think my jaw was somewhere on the floor. He then expressed that they would need help in   running it, and I jokingly (but seriously) threw in the fact that I previously managed a coffee shop.

PLOT TWIST: This blog is actually going to have a “Part 3” because I actually have much more to share about Zithulele and the people there! As my brother says, “Expect the unexpected!” 

Here are some pictures of Zithulele to make up for leaving you hanging. 🙂